Don't Look in the Mirror

“But a house made of mirrors never helped you see any clearer; it’s yourself you can’t see past.”—Tenth Avenue North, “House of Mirrors”

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.—Philippians 4:12-14, ESV

God speaks to me through the form of visions.  When God first started using this way to speak to me, I would only get visions at my school.  One weekend, I went back to my home and went to my church.  My church is a non-denominational Christian church, but it started as a Baptist church.  Although I love my church’s worship, people, and messages, I was wondering if God was going to give me a vision in a conservative church such as mine.  Right after worship, the congregation members bowed their heads in prayer.  When I closed my eyes, I saw Jesus standing next to a mirror.  I really wanted to look at the mirror, but Jesus had His back to it.  As I was looking, I heard a voice say “This is not you.  Don’t look in the mirror.”  When I looked at the reflection, I saw an enormous, disgusting hairy rat. 

I opened my eyes, slightly confused.  Usually I am able to discern exactly God is trying to say to me through a vision.  However, that one had me stumped.  Our pastor’s sermon was about Philippians 3:12-14, which talks about how to live forward. He told this story about a racecar driver that once ripped the rearview mirror off his car.  The driver had said “What’s behind me doesn’t matter.”  It seemed like my pastor looked right at me when he said: “You don’t have to keep looking in the mirror, because all you will see is you and your past.  Satan wants you to look in.  Throw out the rearview mirror.”  For the first time in my life, a vision lined up with what I heard in a sermon. 

This message from God came to me on October 16, 2011, almost a whole year ago.  Lately, I have been haunted by my past.  God has blessed me with some awesome friends, both at school and at home.  However, being at home has reminded me of what I went through before I became a Christian.  I have been hurt by friends, lovers, family members, and the like, and I have been so afraid that my new friends were going to hurt me in the same way that those in my past had.  I feel like a failure, I feel so weak, when someone or something reminds me of something that happened in the past.  For my entire life, I have thought of myself as a victim because I allowed my past to happen.  No one was there to help me, and so to me it seemed like it was entirely my fault that I had a stepfather that verbally abused me, and that every crush I ever had ended in pain.  I felt like I was weak because I could not say no when a guy took advantage of me physically, nearly causing me to lose my virginity.  Even though I am a Christian now, I have still recently had these feelings.  However, while singing songs such as “God is Able” by Hillsong or “A Mighty Fortress” by Christy Nockels, I stuffed the feelings of failure, weakness, and doubt down deep in my heart. 

After asking people to pray for me, I realized that I did not fully believe that my past is in the grave.  I make mistakes everyday; how could I possibly be a new creation in Christ?  How could God tell me that my past is behind me when the guy who sexually harassed me lives right down the block from me, my ex-stepfather still gets mail sent to the house, and my mother still brings up things that I did several years ago? 

Yesterday, I just sat in my room and prayed the entire day.  I asked God to help me see past the hurtful things that happened to me and the hurtful things I did to others before He had made me a new creation.  I had Tenth Avenue North’s CD, The Light Meets the Dark, playing on repeat.  Every single one of those songs spoke to my heart.  The one that really struck a chord with me was the song “House of Mirrors.”  It basically describes the vision that I had on October 16 at my church.  My tendency is to look in the mirror and see my past, my hurts, my failures, and my pain.  However, Jesus was standing there, telling me to look at Him. 

So, instead of looking at myself as the victim of my past, I decided to change my perspective.  Jesus was there with me, protecting me, looking out for me.  My stepfather hurt me by having unstable emotions and by calling me names, but he is gone now.  When I did not have hope, Jesus was there with me. Before I even knew who He was, God was guiding me and promising me that my future is set in Him.  A boy held me up against a wall and kissed me more than I would like, but he was not able to take my virginity from me.  When I was weak, Jesus was there with me.  Before I started walking in my identity as a new creation in Christ, God was protecting me and allowing me to see that even when I make stupid mistakes, He is ever faithful to come to my rescue.  Although the twenty crushes that I had throughout my life did not end in success, God was protecting me from getting hurt emotionally by people who could never love me like He does.  My view of myself as a victim quickly turned into a story of God's victory in my life.

When Paul writes to the Philippians, he makes it clear that he is not perfect. He had still struggled with sin, because he was still human. He had not yet attained the resurrected body that Jesus had died for him to have (see v. 11). However, he made a conscious decision to forget what is behind him and press on toward the promises that God had made for him through Christ (v. 13). Let me repeat: Paul was not perfect, even after he decided to dedicate his life to Christ. Although he still struggled with sin, he chose not to look at the mirror and see his own reflection. He chose to look beyond the failures that he had in the past, the legalism that he clung to when he was a Pharisee.

Are you living like your past is dead and in the grave, or are you still staring in the mirror?  Your identity in Christ is not defined by what happened to you in the past.  You may have been a guy who took advantage of women by sweet talking them, but you are not anymore.  You may have been a girl who ran away from home to escape the drama that she had at home, but you are not anymore.  You may have had thoughts of suicide, traumatic near-death experiences, eating disorders, or broken relationships, but those do not define you.    If you want to see you the way that God sees you, you should look at Christ.  Second Corinthians 5:21 says that because of Jesus’ sacrifice, we are the righteousness of God.  When God sees us, He does not see our past; He sees His Son, Jesus.  Throw your mirror out; you have already been set free!